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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

My Story

Bismillah..

disclaimer : this post is rather personal..so i dont know whether is there any good message that you can get after reading this, but if you wanna read..go on :)

Huhu..dah lama tak tulis kat sini, tak tau kenapa..i just feel like I want to write this..supaya bersemadi di sini, dan maybe akan keep me strong bila baca balik post ni many-many years later


soal jodoh..

mungkin persekitaran mempengaruhi..mungkin juga faktor umur (tapi rasanya x de la berumur sgt pun lagi), mungkin juga sebab fahaman..atau perasaan sendiri,,honestly, I want to get married since I was 21 years old..but it never did, up until now..i am almost 23 years old :)

hehe..xde la lama sangat delay kan :P

since few years back (not sure exactly when)..i was struggling with my heart, bersabar dan terus bersabar..kadang-kadang menangis, kadang-kadang marah, marah dengan diri sndri, dan kadang-kadang marah pada Allah (how bad I was T.T) sebab rasa cam Allah x faham ke apa yg hamba dia ni nak? and when I think again and again..i said to myself "kau apehal nak cakap camtu kat Allah, sedar diri la sikit"

haha..yep, thats human kan..nak sume benda exactly the same mcm yg dia nak..but of course it never did lah sebab Allah memang dah ade plan sendiri.

so for the past two or three years..i wanna get married because I think lagi senang nak jaga hati, nak jaga perasaan, nak jaga mata..i thought it would be a lot more easier if i get married, but then one day my friend yg dah kawen told me.."bila dah kawen x semestinya senang utk jaga hati" pulakkkkk

and here I am untill today..masih lagi berjuang dengan diri sendiri..tp of course the reason for me to get married has changed. I understand that a husband adalah pinjaman daripada Allah utk hambaNya dalam menghadapi kehidupan..marriage is a tool for me untuk cari pahala sebanyak mungkin sebelum menghadap Allah..marriage is a tool untuk mengikat saya supaya terus dalam gerabak dnt..it's a tool..not the ultimate aim

so dengan fahaman ni I wish for a guidance from Allah..supaya Allah bimbing setiap keputusan yang dibuat..supaya keputusan tu adalah berlandaskan iman..bukan nafsu semata..heh, tipulah kalau cakap x penat doa..tp sebab kita kan hamba..Allah is the One who decide, and of course sebagai hamba kena selalu..sentiasa..always bersangka baik dengan Allah

doa je..ada usaha tak? haha..mane bole doa je kan, mesti la kne ade usaha jugak

of course..i did try to search for someone..tp sume negative, ade yg dah dalam proses, ade yang dah x join tarbiah..hmm, so what should i do? tp ade jugak yang bertanya..cuma sebb he is someone that I doesnt know..so I was a bit reluctant (honestly)

so that's y I try to run..cari yg lain dulu..try org lain dlu..tp last-last give up..y? because I think that I have no more reason to not accept him..so I say "yes"

so for the second time..i received his borang BM..the same thing, simple and steady je borang..x panjang berjela-jela cam I tulis..haha, nothing much change except for the fact that he is already working...and few other characteristics of the woman that he hoped for..

err..bmi yg ok?? haha, i feel like humiliated la jugak awal-awal tu..because my bmi is not that good though. ceh, rupa-rupanya mamat ni tgk appearance jugak. but then I rationalized back, hmm...aku pun tgk appearance jugak sebenarnye, haha..so kita seri

but of course..a lot of things that I would like to ask him..perancangan masa depan dia agak vague, and I cannot rely on a husband yg x de detail perancangan masa depan...because me myself has my own plan for my carrier..ambitious kannnn..hahhaa

the thing that I paling takut adalah,,whether he will allow me to work and pursue my dream later on..kalau dia x bagi kerja..so totally no no la for me..sebab being a doctor is something that I really wanna do in my life

so till then..maybe this story akan bersambung lagi..klo i rajin lah..tata! (^_^)

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